Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
