3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
