even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
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Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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