please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
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my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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