sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
