Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
