Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
did i just pee glitter
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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