I can't breathe out the right side of my face
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
