she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
