mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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