I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
