he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
