She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
