Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I puked a lego.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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