Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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