Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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