spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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