mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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