I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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