i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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