Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
