It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
