no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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