Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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