I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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