Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I need water and some morals
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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