Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
