Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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