He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
