I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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