I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
