I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
