I cannot find my penis.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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