So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
