Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
