it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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