The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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