Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
