I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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