Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
