You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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