My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
