Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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