sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
