i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
