you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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