if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
