I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
