I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
