He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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