i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
