Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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