yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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