Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.