So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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