My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
