I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
