Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
In America we eat man semen.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
