Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
