I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
When are your genitals available?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
