Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
