New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
