that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
