Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Is it because I queefed?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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