apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
