life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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