if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Your shirt... Was in my pants
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
