The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
