Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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