i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
