I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
